The deal with the devil
It’s 3am and I can’t sleep. I am so anxious about work and am really, really struggling. I’ve been trying for 3 hours and nothing works. It’s gotten to the point where my brain keeps saying ‘if you let me sleep I promise to go to do regular sleep patterns’, ‘if you let me sleep I promise to not drink caffeine, alcohol, water, WHATEVER it takes’. It’s that weird sort of instant gratification even in insomnia. As I write this I want to close the laptop right now and focus on sleeping but it was that excessive focus on sleeping that got me here in the first place. So, what to do? Keep writing until my fingers are sore and my brain can no longer process words? Ideally, yes. But I’m worried that that would result in a 10,000 page brain fart and even more bags under my eyes. Instead, I will actively write until I can think of somewhat of a solution.
Still haven’t found one but I can’t seem to write anymore my brain is shut off and just wants to rest. I will need to add to this post but for now typing sense none makes.
Challenge - Incommunicado
This evening I went out to dinner and drinks with a friend. Her phone kept vibrating and she proceeded to read and respond to texts the entire night I was there. This frustrated me quite a big deal. I admit to writing the occasional text or answering the ‘important’ phone call every now and then, but this was quite clearly devided attention.
Divided attention is something people have been banging on about for ages. That we surf the internet, text or tweet, while watching television. But these are usually all passive communication. Whether it’s imputing information into our brains from television or blogs. Or outputting information from our brains such as tweeting, texting Facebook updates. There are rarely instances where it is a two way streak of communication. Twitter and Facebook possibly come close however I would argue that it’s not two way as the output is not guaranteed a response. When we have contact with another person, we expect a response. We don’t wait for someone to ‘like’ our comment or post on our wall. We expect that if they don’t respond there is something inherently wrong with them or we’ve said something to completely offend them. Either way, whether it be positive or negative, a response is assumed.
When we are ‘switched on’ all the time to the online world, we are actually more disconnected from the real world. We don’t give our complete attention to the person in front of us. We are instead wondering what the message said, who commented on what. What I find amazing is that we are told to turn off our phone for lectures, movies and interviews but we can’t do it for those most important to us. We are more concerned about the possibility of getting a ‘comment’ from Steve from year 12 Maths class than we are about listening to the person two feet a way from us.
So I propose a challenge to myself and to friend (and if any, readers) to switch off the phone during any social interactions. Whether it be dinner or just coffee, switch off the phone and give the people/person you’re speaking to 100% of your undivided attention. Initially, I imagine, it will be difficult to do. You will think about who has messaged you while the phone is off. Or possibly be tempted to turn it back on when that person goes to the bathroom. But over time, you will get used to it and you will break free from the shackles of technology and start to really appreciate the time you spend with that friend. Why else would you have gone out instead of staying at home on Facebook?
I am writing this post in the hopes of achieving the subject matter - ‘Flow. Flow is comparable to being on a roll. It’s that feeling you get when everything just works. Like an interview when you just find yourself nailing all the questions and synching with the interviewees. Flow is that feeling when you get up and feel that you’ve got a purpose, you’ve got drive and you live out that drive for the next day, month, year, lifetime. The evidence of flow is aparent when you look back a year past and say ‘where did the time go?. When you experience flow, you are flowing along. The universive is shaping you and you are shaping the universe. Slowing down seems impossible. Flow is like a never ending trip. It is far different to routine. Flow just gets you in the swing of things. Things gravitate to you and you gravitate towards them unassumingly. It’s like the silver platter being handed to you but you didn’t order it.
So, while my flow has dissipated over the last few weeks, months. I felt it conjure up again. This is hopefully the beginning. The striking of the match. The lighting of the indistinguishable sparkler that burns through the night and into the new year.
Non stop writing
Here we go - I’m going to start with boredom. For those of you who are equally bored enough to read this. Please excuse the grammar.
This post is an attempt to expel the boeredom I have been feeling for the l;ast few days. I’m actually unsure whether it is boredom or anxiety or both., You see, I am desperately trying to do something that makes a change. At least in my heart. The rest of me just wants me to get another job and go back to the rat race and being another droid within society. I guess that’s what it really comes down to. Being the droid. The robot that feels programmed by capatalism and consumption, gluttony, sex and instant gratificaiton. I want to feel good NOW. I NEED to feel good now. Give me answers or give me drugs. But it takes more than the demands of the mind to make this happen. It takes patience it takes training, above all, it takes appreciation of what’s surrounding you. You can’t be happy unless you can apprecaite what happiness is. You may see someone smiling but you won’t necessarily know what they’re smiling about, unless it’s a kid with an ice cream. That person may smile for a different reason to you. They might smile because they’ve just received a promotion at work, they’ve just left their wife, they may have fleeced a friend of theirs. The point is, we can identify that someone is happy but happiness differs from each person. I feel like this is a massive state the obvious example. But the point actually is that if we are droids and robots being told to chase a similar thing shouldn’t our happinesses look similar. Of course not.
So the non stop writing has already failed. I’ve written a lot of things that just don’t make sense and I also got distracted and stopped.
I think I need to write more focused points. Boredom is too broad and write, edit, write edit, write edit. I need to vow to stop writing and publishing dribbble until I’m happy with it. Afterall, if I’m not how are you dear, non existent, reader.
So. I’ve got to set myself a goal. An achieveable goal. I want to write an inspiring piece that will benefit society in some way. That I can either send to my friends in the hopes of inspiring them, getting them to take action or donate money.
I keep thinking that studying further is going to solve the problems, is going to land me the dream job, it comes from within. Studying is like my brains instant gratification. It wants to learn the knowledge and thinks being inrolled in a course is the same as buying a new computer. It’s not, the challenges of studying is just as difficult if not, in some ways, easier, than challenging myself and pursuing what I really want. So I got there in the end. Even if this just seems like a sense of stalemate with myself. In the line of ‘it’s too hard, I’d rather be a droid’
Watch this space. Surprisingly, the non stop writing was helpful!
The great boredom test
I recently read some articles about boredom being the key to creativity. I definitely think there is some truth in the matter. When are brain is ‘active’ we are thinking about work, our relationships, our family, what we’re doing on the weekend, etc. When we are thinking about these things our brains attention, even if just subconsciously, is divided. When we are bored it is exactly the opposite. We are looking for things to do, we are looking to make our brain more ‘active’ and fire off thoughts and ideas.
So here it goes. The next post I am going to write without stopping for as long as possible. I’m going to keep searching and searching for ideas until something sticks.
Unemployed - Day 3
Ok. So today is my third day of being unemployed and I’m getting quite anxious. I’m anxious for many reasons:
1. It’s a tough job market out there (possibly going to be hit by a second recession) and landing another job may prove difficult
2. TIming. It’s about to hit the holiday season. I need to land a job in the next couple of weeks, otherwise there will be no work till January.
3. Complacency - I have this bad feeling that I’m getting into another job that I may not like. The reason I left my previous job was to pursue a dream. Ideologically that was the right thing to do. But rationally in a time of a recession, quitting my job to do something that ‘helps the world’ is in so many ways moronic. I’m sure many of the ‘99%’ would jump at the opportunity to have what I had. So here lies my biggest problem. Am I an ungrateful Gen Y brat? Who should just learn how to be happy when times are down. I would like to think that I left for the pursuit of something bigger and greater. But that evidence is yet to be seen.
Rant #1 - Your disgusting habits
So this is my first real soap box post. I have previously restrained myself from blogging about pet peeves and disgusting habits, but yesterday I was pushed over the edge.
The first is spitting. It’s disgusting. I can’t ever see a justified reason to do it in or across people’s walking paths. If you have flem that you need to expel, use a tissue or a bin. At least try to make it look like your embarrassed that you have to perform such a disgusting display. Too often I have seen real arrogant types who almost expect to be high-fived after they have spit. As if they have lined the paths with their saliva filled gold. Please. Spare us and the ground of your foulness.
The second - littering. I don’t know where to begin on this one. Yesterday I was standing across from a pedestreian traffic light. Across the way was some smarmy man who, after taking the last one out, drops his cigarette packed on the ground and casually walks across the road. I think the bin was ten minutes away. Witnessing this I thought if only we had something like a ‘Civil Slap’ (patent pending) in which I could proceed to slap him across the face as we crossed paths. Oh how the people near me would cheer and carry me on their shoulders and say ‘thank you for keeping our city clean’. Perhaps not.